I was at dinner recently with a small group of friends. Someone asked me how my daughter was doing. There are times this question makes me want to scream. This was one of those times. I didn’t want to say Gillian was “fine” because, well, she’s not.
No one wants to give an honest answer to this question – how are you – even when the question is asked out of genuine concern. There is an unspoken code of social conduct that deems any response other than “fine” is not acceptable. Especially at dinner among friends. But regardless of where or when someone asks this question, I’m uncomfortable with the answer. Why?
Because people who suffer with chronic autoimmune diseases are simply not in the same category as those who suffer from colds, flu or cancer. There is no cure for Lupus. If you’re lucky you might go into remission. But Lupus will never go away. They can’t cut it out of your body or destroy it with radiation or dissolve it in a cocktail of chemo drugs.
So, when my friend asked how Gillian was I said what I always say (if my daughter is not in the hospital). I said, “she’s fine.”
My response was dishonest. Cowardly. And disrespectful to my daughter.
Well, I’d like to honor my daughter. I’d like to start a trend. When someone asks me how Gillian is I will give an honest answer. I’ll start at the top and work my way down. I’ll say, she’s alive. She’s not in the hospital. She’s not (at least I don’t think she is) at this moment in horrible pain (but she could be and she’s just not telling anyone). Her disease and her pain (?) is under management.
Why shouldn’t we be honest when someone asks us how we are whether we suffer from a chronic illness or not? What’s the formula for a response? You perform a quick analysis; emotional, physical, mental state…check. Fine.
Would you tell the truth if you weren’t fine? Would you let people know how you really feel? Probably not.
Why not an honest answer?